Friday, November 18, 2005

LOVERS ... Listen to Your Lover ... (listening to John Lennon)

Ondale gente ... aqui vienen los vientos and what do they bring ... pues ... Latina magazine's mass mailing cochinada ... maybe you got it ... fue un libro de bedo coupons and nickle advice for beauty secretos ... it's pinche one-liner cliff notes meant to be read en el bano and small enough to be kept in una pinche groovy Mike Brady bolsa ... simon ... it's a trip as this piece tries to distinguish the various skin texturas, hair typos and wrinkles que Latinas tienen during the mass tortilla blizzards aqui in pinche Barrio sanTana x13 and elsewhere ...

Pues ... on pagina 4 you can "Get your glow on!" ... butt, sorry publishers, Latinas glow automatically ... on pagina 6 it's "Love your long hair" ... a pinche perversed tribute to those nuerotic macho papas who said chale to scissors on mijas so-soft pelo ... 10 is "Who needs models" ... cuidado hermanas, Latina beauty is the new MARKETA for some ... entonces there's pagina 16, where they sock it to you ... there might be beauty LATINA but you need "Shower power" ... pinche putos, didn't you know, we like to lick the sweat from our hina's pits ... vamanos!!!! ... then 21 has "Super scents!" as though a Latina todo natural is not good enough ... haven't these mensos heard of AM LOVE ... "Fabulous at 40" is included and ain't that the pinche truth ... the best lovers are in-pinche-fact 40+ ... entonces your married primo has something for us, "5 secrets from Fernando" ... who recommends drinking 8 vasos de H20 cada pinche dia ... chingow, just make sure there's someone to save you from drowning like a lifeguard or your dyke looking tio ...

But if any of this pinche advice is to be taken seriously, it's on pagina 29 "A Latina winter" .... "Whether you bundle up for a Nochebuena or count down to el ano nuevo on the beach, this season's a critical time for skin care." Pues, true, skin care is pinche importante porque no vato likes to kiss a mujer whose hands remind him of his abuelo who just crushed 1,000 cans for pinche recyling ... que no ... and likewise, I doubt a mujer pinche digs her vato with softer hands than her caliente transvestite hermano who cuts hair aqui on Bush y 4th ... simon, pass by, he's outside taking a cigarette break ... but according to Latina, "Chicago (Cold)" means "super-frio and windy" and "Los Angeles (Mild)" and "Houston (Dry)" ... and to think that Vaseline products is a pinche cure-all for Latinas in all conditions ... gracias Vaseline, what would we do without you and Christianity ... gracias ... but the pinche truth is it's all pinche snake oil ... this glamour propaganda is nothing more than what the Dems and Reps do to us during elections ... simon, treat us as pinche trading blocs and as a gente who can't establish a new economic partnership but can be understood through traditional political science bullshit media thinking ... pues tu sabes, voter attitudes, or in this case, beauty "needs" ... chale ... LOVERS ... listen to your pinche lover and read between the pinche dirty talk ...

9 Comments:

At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice piece, hermano. Never thought of us in trading bloc terms but makes sense. Keep it up!

 
At 2:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your junk mail reviews are fun to read! I also enjoyed your Mexico update, you should include mas!!

 
At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good piece on "marketas" and your economic partnership take is damn true!!

 
At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good post. I saw that mailer and noticed the women looked of Latin and South America descent, maybe even some Tejano. Not much in it for Chicanas.

 
At 3:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lovers listen to your lover? You must be kidding, jerk! I read between your lines and you're just another chauvinist pig! You're such a jerk! Listen, us Latinas only need to follow to our own senses and intuition do what is right for us! We don't need to listen to the female ridiculing media crap, any and all female harassing institutions or your macho blog, you jerk!

 
At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

3:00, you have it all wrong, I think the blog is defending Latinas from insulting marketing schemes. And I took the lover title as hermano/a to hermano/a. Take a chill pill!

 
At 3:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

3:00 mija, you sound quite bitter. Time to go on babe! There is not enough time for that, life is tooo short!!! I loved this one. Cholo, tu tiene un tio tambien que se pase un DYKE!!! i love it...

 
At 3:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too enjoy your reviews on junk mail. This one had me cracking up!!!!!

 
At 3:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

3:00 you are with the wrong lover. CAN WE SAY BITER!!!!

 

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