Tuesday, July 12, 2005

La Judia, the Bad and the Ugly (listening to Grazing in the Grass)

(Originally appeared in OC Craigslist, 7/12/05.)

Q-vo homes, hey, ever heard of Dov Charney? The vato owns the American Apparel Company en eas los (LA), a union shop that makes the calzones and t-shirts que usa tu papa and the other coked out broads that model in the pelo-soft girly magazines. Simon, he’s every vatos fantasy, he walks around the shop in his calzones, does job interviews in the nude, takes batting practice in his office also nude and scratching. Get this homes, during an interview for Jane magazine, he spoke in the nude and whacked off in front of the writer. The writer had to hang out with ese Dov for two days to get the scoop, so he whacked and the writer reported – orale! So check out Jane magazine.

Pues, Dov apparently is a mentor to one assemblyman de Barrio Grande OC-13.

Simon, this assembly gringo is cool but his name in Spanish and English is spelled the same: Tom Umberg. That's rights ese, this vato es trucha and is on my "vato locos" list. Did you hear he’s spinning his own spaghetti western como ese vato Dov. Simon, while Tom locked up your primos Jaime and Chato for petty theft and while he tried political prisoners en Guantanamo for a day, the vato tambien was freeing willie. That's right, dio chupon a un staffer and I hear to the max!. His jeuvo mileage made it in the Times, Register and OC Weekly – how proud I’d be if Manuela made the front page. And now the vato is the peacock at Florentine Gardens as he sends me and maybe ustedes a “quieres chupon?” letter claiming he's still El Tom Fucks de Barrio Grande Penocha y-que!

That’s right, I made Tom’s official VILF list (voters I’d like to . . . ) Yesterday I rec'd a letter from El Tom. Simon, his letter head and envelope son todo manyaco and are just addressed "Tom Umberg" ... no address, no city, no location, no identity, no stars or stripes, just Tom ... como un pinche unknown hero. . . Feels like we know nothing about the mystery dude, we just know he fucks! Even the stamp says "Tom Fucks" ... simon the stamp (Altas, Rockfeller Center, NYC) is of a gladiator type vato sin ropa on a ship with rock legs leading his ship como Washington to war, and the center of this photo is his pinche pito. Simon, need to get me some of these stamps for Xmas! Then there’s his pinche dripping letter. Simon, I had a feeling … so I pulled it out with tweezers just as those vatos pick up calzones on that MTV dating show except I wasn’t wearing some chicks bra or dildo while peeking. And the letter …… uummm pues, it’s a jewish girls delight but a Latinas nightmare … it’s a quickie, nomas 10 sentences. In 3 sentences he’s serenading our pantalones, “please let me boing you” then for 7 lines, he give us a jack rabbit mamone before we can blink … ondale, ondale! ... eeehho, es caliente , I’m convinced he gets staffer piernas often, has Guantanamo bitches and maybe even some tail from your primo Jaime – wacha!

Anyways, ese, line one begins with "There's nothing harder" . . . Orale! I can't believe this vato, es guey, he's giving pinche visuals, holds his cosa out for public viewing gritando "there's nothing harder" as his flaming assistant types away. But it gets worse . . .

Second pinche sentence begins with " "Last year, I had to do that with my wife, Robin." Eeehhho . . . do what ... and you had to? Hey, at this point his cosa is probably in his aide’s ear … pues Tom just don't get your political and marriage promises get confused with me ese! Y la Robin, pues I’ve seen her so I understand the vatos confession ... simon, es butch aqui, bitch ayi!

Third sentence starts: "And more recently to my three children." Que? okay, now I'll stop and call CPS. Ese Tom, remember, when you're in the cell start doing push ups! This is the worse part, we even know before these poor kids will understand.

Fourth pinche linea starts: "Now, I am writing you." So, the staffer, la Robin y ahora nosostros ….cuidado vatos, El Tom Fucks is behind you and might have it body painted in stripes and stars!

Seventh sentence empieza: "I simply want the good people . . ." Sabemos que quieres cabrone, the fine broads and maybe los vatos que no hablan. I get the feeling this dudes letting it hang out as he dictates this pinche porno script to his staffer poco Larry Flynt or Hefner . . . man esta loco!

Line 8: "Robin and I love one another deeply ..." pues, he's basically saying que la Robin uses a strap on on him, but of course he goes primero - and deep. Pues if this is where marriage leads, well, I refused to grow up!

The rest is just cocaine shake. . . but the entire letter is eery, creepy, sneaky, on the edge, and feels like evidence to some continuous crime, Stephen King or Martin Scorsese don’t go here. It’s everything that happened behind the Brady Bunch scenes. It’s a bad punch line, it’s a bloody mattress in bad porno … it’s Dov Charney in OC - full of cock, pelos, chi chi, chupones, nalgas, juevos, juegetes, flamers, tias cochinas all neatly folded in an envelope with a spaghetti western return address. Unfortunately, my newspapers come rolled up with the same semen stains but from bigger Fuckers.

Sabes que, I have an exciting call to make… Simon, this beautiful jewish lady I met two weeks ago, I enjoyed her vibe, she just turned me on, her sexy energy, provoking hand gestures, her eyes wonder about me and her stories were a trip. I believe she’s married. I have a reason to call her but she’ll know I’m just saying Q-vo.

Pues homies, read the free press and if your nalgas begin to shake, it ain’t the go-go, the pisto or the musica, it’s probably Tom Fucks and he’s behind you.

Later and remember the (Recycled) Cholo Knows.

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